I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
