i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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