The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
