Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
