im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
