There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
