I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
