fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
