You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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