let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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