I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
