you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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