I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
