Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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