Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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