There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
