Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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