I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
