im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
