You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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