you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
