We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
