I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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