Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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