just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
