His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
