Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
