I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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