No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
