Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Alive.
So much puke
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
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I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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