You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
