Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
