My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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