I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
