Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
