I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
