I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
