For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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