So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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