My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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