Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
