just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
why is half of my head shaved?
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