please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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