i just had sex bonerless
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
