i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
