I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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