I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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