I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
