I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I pour the whiskey from now on
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
