I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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