PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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