Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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