i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
