2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
