your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
