Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
